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Drinking Wax To Impress The Ladies

This story always comes up at parties if i’m around old friends… I was 17 and at a party in a garage. Lots of underage drinking was taking place. As the amount of alcohol consumed went up, common sense went down.

It is worth noting that this garage was not attached to a house and had no electricity. There were plenty of candles to keep the place lit (which is why there is a new garage in the same spot, but that is another story). As the night continued, the guys in the room were all competing for the gals attention. Metaphoric pissing contests began. “I can drink more than him..” “I once got into a fight with a dog” etc etc.

I imagine other stupid things happened, but mine eclipsed it all. I saw my ticket to “win” this night and get all the attention my drunk self thought I deserved from the ladies. A tea candle ( you know, one of those candles that has an aluminum base to hold in the wax after it melts.). It was still lit but all the wax had turned into a pot of molten glory.

I got everyone’s attention and picked that candle up, blew out the wick and downed it like a shot. My immediate feeling of pure hardcoreness was very quickly replaced by regret as the wax first burnt my mouth then my gullet. The pain was excruciating but it did not stop there.

The wax, after cooling within the first stages of my digestive system, begins to solidify. I have no way of explaining this feeling other than “what the actual fuck is happening to me “ so I’m going with that. Much coughing and red-eyedness followed as I attempted to clear my mouth / gullet from this waxy death. Beer helped. Clearing my mouth so I could breath, I must of looked like I just took a load from a waxwork model.

I continued the night as if nothing had happened. I can’t remember which woman I was trying to impress but I went home alone that night. It was all a haze of cheap beer, cheap tobacco and cheaper candle wax. tl;dr: I drank molten candle wax to impress women I can’t even remember.

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